Sunday, September 8, 2013
I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging on here. However, today is a day that I feel like I should....
Today is the day that we had to make the decision of holding on to you or letting you go. (Just these words "letting you go" brings to me the worst heartache in the world.) It was our choice to make you suffer longer or letting you go in peace. You know that making you suffer longer in your brain death was not the choice we were going to pick....so.....we told the people surrounding us (doctors, nurses, social worker, etc.) that we were going to let you go....and that took every bit of strength that we had in us...to say those words....those words just killed us inside.
Now, it was time to say those final words....Goodbye. We had plenty of times where we thought it MIGHT be goodbye...but no this was the real thing this time...we were going to lose your life for good. So...everyone came in to the hospital, DuPont, to say goodbye to you....and yes I do know that you were probably standing above us watching all of us standing over your body crying our hearts out. Well...then it was finally time for us, Daddy and I to do the most heartbreaking thing purposely...pull your breathing tube off for good and let you go. As Daddy and I were sitting on your bed with the most heaviest tears that we had in us....it was time.......what did I do? I don't know if it was fear or just selfish....I walked away....I couldn't watch you DIE. Daddy was with you and he was the one who took the tube away and he watched the life leave you why I sat in the corner crying my eyes out and screaming inside for you not to leave me. I peeked around the corner and saw that YOU WERE GONE. Daddy kissed you goodbye and then they covered your body up. My God, at that very moment, I DIED inside and never thought I would recover. Daddy and I walked out of that hospital this time for good...it wasn't one where we came back the next day to see how you were doing. We walked out hand in hand with the tightest grip between us...knowing that we just lost you.
Goodbye my love.
That whole day was nothing but a foggy one. I kept telling myself it wasn't real. When we got home...we looked at your bed, your room, your wall of movies, the whole house, really, and it was all just torture. I went outside because I couldn't stand the fact that you would never be here again. Daddy went upstairs. Grandmom watched your brothers downstairs as I'm sure she had her mind on you and only you.
We all knew you were a movie fan...especially Disney...and Pixar...but I would have to say that your most favorite was the Toy Story movies. You saw Toy Story 1 and 2 in the movies and we all knew when the next one came out, we would take you to see it....but.....you never made it there to see it when it came out. I think that this Toy Story was not one you were supposed to see because this Toy Story was the Goodbye....this story was meant for Daddy and I to say....So long, Partner. You see, when I see Woody...I see you. When Daddy and I watch the end of this movie, there's nothing but sadness because that was THE END. You said Goodbye....We said Goodbye... and now we're living life without you.
So........today is about you....We love you. We are thinking of you and what your life meant to us. You were our son who brought so much to our lives. You will NEVER be forgotten. Each day I live...Life is always calling....there's ALWAYS so much to be done....but you will always be in our HEARTS where you belong now. It's like you've come full circle, Jared. I think about it all the time. You came into this world, not breathing on your own....you then brought Life to soooooo many people, and then you left the world just the same way you came in. Now, tell me that wasn't supposed to happen! You came to this world for a purpose...you did your job which I would say turned out to be a blessing, and then....POOF....YOU were outta here! I love you buddy and I was and still am so honored to have done this job of being your mother who got the JOY of being able to experience JOY and it was only because of you showing me the light! So Long...Partner!