2 Years Today....

Hi Angel. I miss you. Daddy misses you too.....so so much. It's been 2 years today since you've been gone. I hope I get through this day. I'm sitting on the couch holding you. I want to open this box and hold your ashes but I don't think I can because I may really "lose" it then. It's bad enough already holding you this way. Oh Jared.....what's to become of me? I truly thought the rest of my life was to take care of you but now that you're gone, I just can't understand what I'm supposed to do. I can't even be happy without guilt inside. I think I just don't allow myself to do it because I punish myself for not trying harder the day you suffered and I hear you inside saying...."Mommy...help me please." and I never did...and for that I am so sorry. I just wish you would have come back after your brain death to tell me you forgave me because now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I carry this grief with me every day and try my best not to show it around others. I never knew what a heartache felt like until you left. What can we do today for you to show us your right here next to us? Please show us a sign. You know me in feeling these things.....because even though I'm hurting inside I still believe.....I love you so much Jared.....Mommy